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You are standing next to your neighbor at the mailboxes, or next to a friend’s friend at a party, and the weather has already been covered twice. Nobody is being rude, and nobody is talking.
Open with a small, easy question that has no wrong answer, then follow up on one detail of the answer instead of jumping to a new topic. That second step can help keep the conversation going.
Every question here comes from Lolo Cards - 5,200+ conversation cards for iPhone.
Why is small talk so hard with near-strangers?
You may be grading yourself the whole time, replaying every pause and every clumsy sentence.
The other person may be doing the same thing. In a 2018 set of studies on what researchers call the liking gap, psychologists from Cornell, Yale, Harvard and the University of Essex found that people underestimated how much their conversation partners liked them. The gap showed up in student and community groups, and the length of the chat made little difference to its size. Most of the work used lab conversations and self-ratings, so treat it as a reason to relax a little, with those limits in mind.
At the mailboxes, that means they may have liked talking to you more than you think. You don’t have to get every sentence right to ask another question.
What makes a good opener for someone you barely know?
A good opener is light and easy to answer in a sentence, and it doesn’t ask the other person for anything private. Food, small dreams and places all work.
Try these first:
- What’s your most unpopular food opinion?
- If you could wake up tomorrow anywhere in the world, where would you be?
- What would you like to learn to do purely for fun?
- What place do you want to see at least once in your life?
- What’s the silliest thing you’ve ever been proud of?
Say one out loud, then answer it yourself if the other person hesitates. Going first gives them something to respond to. Find more in our conversation starters collection.
For neighbors, anchor the question in what you share: the building, the street, the neighborhood. Try “Where did you live before this?”
How do you turn small talk into a real conversation?
Ask a follow-up. In a 2017 study, a Harvard-led team studied 430 people chatting in pairs by instant message for 15 minutes. Participants who asked more questions were better liked by their partners, and follow-up questions were especially effective. The authors explain it simply: a follow-up shows you were listening. The study also warns that too many questions can backfire, and it involved short text chats rather than face-to-face talk.
Pick one detail from the answer and ask about that.
- They say they want to learn pottery: “What would you make first?”
- They say they miss their hometown: “What’s the first thing you’d show me there?”
- They mention a show: “Who’s your favorite character?”
Then stop and listen. Try one answer, one follow-up. If you catch yourself firing a third question in a row, share something of your own. That gives the other person a turn to ask.
What do you ask a friend of a friend?
You already have one thing in common: the friend who introduced you. Start there, then ask about the person you’re talking to.
Try these with a friend of a friend:
- What’s the most interesting thing you’ve learned recently?
- What show, book, or podcast do you recommend to everyone?
- What’s a place you’d recommend I check out?
- What are you learning right now?
- What’s your favorite thing about your hometown?
A recommendation can give you a title or a place to ask about, and give them room to talk about something they care about.
If you’re both enjoying the conversation, you can ask something more personal later in the night. Our getting to know you questions are a good next step. If the whole group is strangers, the dinner party conversation starters article covers seating and pacing.
What about the person next to you in line?
Keep it short and keep it about the moment you share. The line, the coffee, the weather you are both stuck in. One warm exchange is plenty.
Try a comment with a question: “That looks good. Have you ordered it before?” Give them an easy exit. If they respond and seem interested, follow up once. If they go back to their phone, smile and move on. Some people won’t want to talk, and that’s fine.
A simple routine to remember
- Ask one light question.
- Listen for one detail.
- Follow up on that detail.
- Share one thing of your own.
Try it for about a minute at mailboxes, parties and bus stops. With practice, it may feel more natural. For friends who want to keep going after the first minute, the conversation starters collection has more questions to try.
