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The food is almost ready, the doorbell keeps ringing, and you just realized the couple on the left has never met the guy on the right. Hello, hosting.
Seat people so strangers sit next to each other, start with one light question everyone can answer, and take the first turn yourself. Save the deeper questions for after the main course, once the table has warmed up.
Every question here comes from Lolo Cards - 5,200+ conversation cards for iPhone.
How do you set the table so people actually talk?
Dinner conversation starts with where people sit, before anyone asks a question.
Coryanne Ettiene, an entertaining expert quoted by The Daily Meal, suggests spacing out the people who know each other so guests do not cluster with their usual conversation partners. She also recommends putting the more talkative guests in the middle of the table. She calls place cards essential when most guests are new to each other, and she writes names on both sides so nobody has to guess.
Her other trick is small: tuck a question into the fold of each place card. Her example is “Which local restaurant has the best brunch menu?” Guests only have to read what is in front of them.
One more from me: put couples apart. They already have each other, and they will talk to each other all night if you let them.
What do you ask first?
Something light that has no wrong answer. Most of us can talk about breakfast for ten minutes.
A tip from Intentional Hospitality: when guests don’t know each other, start lighter and let the group warm up before you ask for anything vulnerable. The same page says to ask one question at a time and to answer it yourself first, which takes the pressure off everyone else.
Here are a few openers that work while people are still passing the bread:
- If you had to eat the same breakfast every day forever, what would you pick?
- What’s your most unpopular food opinion?
- What’s the silliest superstition you actually believe in?
- What would you like to learn to do purely for fun?
- If you could wake up tomorrow anywhere in the world, where would you be?
Read one out loud, give your own answer, then look at whoever seems ready. If it lands flat, answer it yourself and move on.
How do you get past “so, what do you do?”
Jobs are the default because they are safe, and that is also where the talk dies. After “I work in logistics” there is usually a nod and a long pause.
In a 2021 study of twelve experiments with more than 1,800 participants, mostly strangers paired up to talk, people expected deeper conversation to be awkward. It turned out to be less awkward and more enjoyable than they predicted, and deep questions created more connection than shallow ones. One of the researchers, Nicholas Epley, said that knowing others also like meaningful conversation might lead you to spend less time on small talk. The study was about strangers in pairs, not a dinner table, so treat it as a nudge rather than a promise.
My version: once the first course is gone, move one step past the job. Try these:
- If you couldn’t mention your job, age, or relationship status, how would you describe yourself?
- What do people usually get wrong about your job?
- What’s a skill you have that most people don’t know about?
- What would you like to try someday just so you’d have the story afterward?
- What’s your favorite childhood memory involving food?
- What’s the most useless talent you have?
These keep the job in the room but ask for a story, and a story gives everyone else something to jump on: “Wait, you can do what?”
Want more at this level? The full list lives in our conversation starters collection, and if the guests are your own friends, the questions to ask friends collection is a better fit.
What if one guest takes over the table?
Sometimes one guest takes over. That guest is often a fast talker at a table full of polite people.
A few moves that stay friendly:
Let the answer go around. When you read a card, say “let’s go around the table” and start with someone on the quiet side. A loud guest still gets a turn, just one turn.
Interrupt with a thank-you. “Love that, hold on to it, I want to hear from Sam too.” Keep it warm and quick.
Change who the question is for. Instead of asking the table, ask a specific person: “Sam, you’ve been quiet over there, what would you pick?” Specific questions are easier to answer than a room-wide one.
If you would rather avoid juggling, put the questions on cards in the middle of the table. As Intentional Hospitality notes, cards let guests choose their own question, which takes the pressure off the host. Then you can sit down and eat.
For a table of family instead of new faces, the family dinner conversation starters article has a better set.
