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The baby is finally asleep, or the boxes are unpacked, or the big deadline is over. You look across the couch and realize the last conversation you two had was about who is picking up the groceries.
Start small. Pick one question that has nothing to do with logistics, ask it while nobody is holding a phone, and listen to the whole answer. Save the big heart-to-heart for when you have more energy.
Every question here comes from Lolo Cards - 5,200+ conversation cards for iPhone.
Why does it feel like you are roommates?
Busy seasons run on short messages. “Did you pay the bill?” “Can you grab her at five?” Those are real conversations, and they keep a household going, but they have a narrow range. After a few weeks of only that, it is easy to forget that the other person still has opinions and a few weird little hopes.
You two have been focused on the same problem list. A question about something else can help you turn toward each other again.
In research led by Karen Huang at Harvard, 430 people chatted in pairs, and the ones assigned to ask more questions (at least nine instead of at most four) were liked better by their conversation partners. Follow-up questions mattered most because they signaled responsiveness. The researchers also warn that too many questions, or rude and repetitive ones, can backfire. Ask a few, and give the answers your attention.
What should you ask first?
Start with a question about the week. You are checking in on a person you live with.
- What’s been on your mind this week?
- What’s something you’re proud of that happened this week?
- What’s something you wish you had more time for lately?
Big questions like “are we okay?” can land badly when you are both worn out. Small ones can be easier to answer honestly and leave room for bigger ones later.
If the answer is “nothing, just tired,” that is an answer too. Try the same question the next evening, or swap in a gentler one. Some nights the best you get is a shrug and a snack, and that still counts as sitting together.
How do you make time when there is none?
Mimi’s rule of thumb: ten minutes beats a whole date night you never get around to. The grand plan (“we need a weekend away”) is easy to keep postponing. A single question over dishes is easier to fit in.
Some places where it fits:
- The first ten minutes after the kids are in bed or the laptop is put away.
- A walk around the block, where you can talk without making eye contact.
- The drive home from your parents’ place.
- The last few minutes in bed, before the phones come out.
Put the phones aside so you can give each other your attention. Ask one question. Answer it yourself too, so you both get to share.
If you want a longer list to browse, the deep questions to ask your partner page has plenty, and date night questions are lighter if the evening needs to stay easy.
What can you ask about the busy stretch?
At some point it helps to name what the last few months were like, without turning it into a trial. These questions are about the stretch you both just went through:
- When life gets busy, what do you miss more: hugs and closeness, or real conversations?
- After a tough week, would you rather I plan the whole weekend, or cancel all our plans so you can rest?
- What’s a way I can support you better this week?
- What’s something I did today that you appreciated, even if you didn’t say it?
A lot of what keeps a household running goes unthanked because everyone is in motion. The last question gives you a chance to say, “I saw that.”
The Gottman Institute has a useful word for an attempt to get your partner’s attention, affirmation or affection: a “bid.” It can be as small as a smile or a “come look at this.” Turning toward means responding to it. A question like the ones above is a bid you make on purpose, and listening to the answer is turning toward.
What about the things you have been putting off?
Once the small ones feel normal, you can ask something with a bit more weight. Pick a night when neither of you is rushing.
- What’s something you’ve been wanting to ask me but kept putting off?
- What’s a goal of yours I don’t know about yet?
- What’s something about me that still surprises you sometimes?
Sometimes a person has been carrying a question for weeks and needs a calm moment to ask it. Give them time to finish. If the answer surprises you, try “tell me more” before jumping in to defend yourself or fix it.
And if a question does not land, leave it. You do not have to finish the list.
How do you keep it going?
Make it small enough to repeat. One question, a few nights a week, beats a marathon on Saturday that never happens. Keep a deck on the nightstand, or write one question on the fridge.
A quiet one for the end of the day, if you want it:
- What’s on your mind right now that you want to let go of before sleep?
