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Someone told you they like you, or made it very obvious, and your honest answer is “maybe? I don’t know yet.” That’s a normal place to be. The short answer: take your time and get to know them with kind, low-pressure questions. Say no gently if it turns out to be a no, and say yes without treating it as a finish line if it turns out to be a yes.
Mimi’s first rule: you’re allowed to be curious without committing to anything.
Every question here comes from Lolo Cards - 4,700 conversation cards for iPhone.
Why “I’m not sure” is a fair answer
Being liked feels good. That can make it feel like a reason to say yes.
Psychologists have looked at this from both sides, and the results aren’t tidy. In a study (covered in Scientific American) by Erin Whitchurch, Tim Wilson and Dan Gilbert, women looked at profiles of men and were told they’d been rated highly, rated as average, or that nobody could say. The women ended up liking the “mystery” men even more than the men they knew liked them, and they also thought about those men more. Researchers from the University of Rochester and the Interdisciplinary Center Herzliya reported nearly the opposite (summarized by Earth.com) across six studies: the more certain people were that someone liked them, the more attractive that person seemed.
You don’t need to pick a winner. What both results suggest is that your buzz about someone can come from how much you’re thinking about them, or from how nice it is to be chosen, and neither is the same as knowing the person. Questions are how you get to know them.
Start with the person, then the feelings
If you open with “so, what are we?”, you’re asking them to perform. Start with the person instead. Pick things that are easy to answer and hard to answer with one word.
- What’s a hobby of yours I should know more about?
- What’s something you’re passionate about that doesn’t come up much in conversation?
- What’s something you wish people asked you about more?
Then ask a follow-up before you move on. A study led by Karen Huang found that follow-up questions are “particularly likely to increase liking”, and that rude or repetitive questions could backfire. One real follow-up is plenty. That also helps you find out whether you enjoy listening to this person, which is most of what you’re trying to learn.
Questions that show how it feels to be around them
You’re collecting facts and noticing how you feel while they talk: relaxed, performing, bored, a little thrilled. Ask something that lets their personality show up.
- What’s something about you that surprises people once they get to know you?
- What’s a place you grew up that shaped who you are?
- What’s something we have in common that you didn’t expect?
Trade answers as you go. Ask, listen, then share yours. If you only ask, they’ll feel interviewed, and if you never share, you can’t tell how it feels to be known by them either.
Our questions to ask your crush list works from this side too. The “crush” is sometimes the one across the table, asking you.
Honest questions about where each of you is
At some point the real question shows up: what do they want from this? You can ask it without a speech. Keep it about their general view, so nobody has to answer a proposal on the spot.
- What’s your take on being single versus being in a relationship right now?
- What’s your honest take on the “situationship” phase of modern dating?
- What’s your take on how quickly trust should be built in a new relationship?
- What’s a relationship lesson you learned the hard way?
Listen to the pace in their answers. If they want something serious and you want to see how things go, it’s better to know now. If they say they’re in no hurry, that may take the pressure off you both.
A few honest lines you can use in your own words, as they come up:
- “I’m enjoying getting to know you. I’m not sure yet where it goes.”
- “I like talking to you, and I don’t want to rush it.”
- “I don’t think I feel the same way, and I wanted to tell you kindly.”
These lines help you avoid leading them on or closing a door before you’ve looked through it.
What to pay attention to afterward
You don’t need a score sheet. Notice a few plain things after you’ve talked:
- Whether you felt more like yourself around them, or less.
- Whether you looked forward to the next message, or felt you owed one.
- Whether they respected a “not sure” when you said it.
The last one matters most. Someone who likes you and hears “I need a little time” can wait without sulking or pushing. If they can’t, that tells you something, and you can take it seriously without making a drama of it.
If you decide it’s a no, say it early and kindly. A clear, warm no is easier on both of you than weeks of vague replies. If you decide it’s a yes, you got there by actually talking, which is a decent start.
If you want more to ask
Want a longer list for the next time you two talk? The full set of crush questions has easy ones and deeper ones. If you’re not at the “we should do something” stage yet, talking stage conversation starters is a gentler place to begin, and once a date is on, see what to talk about on a first date.
